Sexuality and Acceptance - WeUnlearn with Onir
We are doing a series to emphasize the need for unlearning, to generate awareness regarding the soft skills and mindset to lead a healthy life, and to urge people to #FundtheFuture, our ongoing fundraising campaign.
First in this series, we got a chance to speak to the person who directed “My Brother...Nikhil”! We share with you his take on sexuality and acceptance based on our conversation.
S: Is coming out a big deal to you?
Onir: Quite early I started exploring my desires without making a big deal about it, I think that is what I used to do. I always tell people that coming out and your sexuality is not, and it’s again very different when it is gender and it is sexuality,
I feel it is very important to assert your gender whereas sexuality is just one aspect of my life.
I don't need to focus my entire definition on it.
S: Did you have trouble with accepting your own sexuality?
Onir: For whatever reasons I never had a conflict within me, about being someone who is inferior, or thinking that “Oh my God what am I”. I didn't go through any trauma within me. Without counseling, without anything, I have accepted myself, before I was even ready to talk to others about it.
S: Are you open about your sexuality? Why do you think it is a big deal to people?
Onir: When I was in college when I was young, I explored my sexuality because I wanted to know, understand myself, my desires, and I still tell, I was not going around and telling everybody that hey listen I think I.....you know, I didn't feel the need for it.
If anybody asks me I confide, but
my focus was my career, my dream of becoming independent and telling the stories I wanted to.
And I keep telling people that a lot of people are scared because they are dependent. They are dependent that "oh my god what if my parents will disown me" "what if…..".
If you are afraid because of what financial implications are there in terms of leaving then either you should work on your own to find out what is your quest in life. What is that one strength in your life that you can work on and make something of your life so that you are independent. The minute you are independent, I feel that you are much more free, especially today, to live the life you want without fear. Because what's that fear otherwise? And I feel that once you are independent and you're out, and your family does not accept you, then that acceptance was never there.
Because they accepted a person who was not you cause you were always hiding your true identity.
And I feel that one needs to look out and find a wider family in the community, in the friends that you have and redefine your family love and what it means for you.
S: What I found very interesting is that you harped upon the point of fear, the social stigma itself. We want to be honest with them but can’t, which funnily enough, you never seemed to have a problem with. That's not a struggle that you encountered, right?
Onir: No because also I see sense that this was a social stigma thing.
Now it'll be a lie if I say the 90s when I was in college this was not there, of course it was there, but I always told myself that (to suppose whoever I came out) if this person cannot accept me as I am, he/she is not worth my love. So I will be better off as a human being without that person in my life. So I didn't feel that “Oh my god what is happening to me and my life is becoming...” you know, I just see it as a shortcoming of that person that he can not accept.
So I feel that stigma is how you look at it, or if you let that mockery of people overwrite your sense of...you should never let that undermine the way you feel.
Even, it’s not just about sexuality, for example, when I grew up, one of the things I would be very often teased about by everybody was because of my color. I was dark, my sister and brother were fair compared to me, my father is fair, so everyone would constantly shame me be it, relatives, in school, it was quite often to term dark people as Kalia, all those things. But I never thought, I mean, of course, when I was young it used to hurt, but again I didn't let that hurt stop me from wanting to achieve what I want to. I didn't let it actually belittle me.
S: What you mentioned is not to let anybody take away your primary sense of self-worth, and what you can contribute to the world. I'm just very curious, to prod deeper it would be unfair to argue that in spite of the fact that you are dark-skinned and all of this, somewhere either you had it inherently in yourself or your family instilled that sense of self-worth.
Onir: Ya
S: Now, for people who are struggling with the idea of self-worth, either they don't have it as part of their personality or they didn't have the privilege for someone to tell them that "it's okay, you will find your place". Where do you think they can find that sense to build their self-worth? Because we have people of all spectrum.
Onir: I feel like one should always look around and look at inspiration. If we look at gender, today we have so many people from the third gender community who are doing extremely well in life, who are in places like the Congress spokesperson. I think she is from Chennai, she is a transwoman.
So even though their journey has not been easy, right now they are in a places of empowerment.
Because I know people who are lawyers, doctors whatever, they focused on again being independent and becoming someone and not just their sexual identities. So I feel for young people it can not be that your only interest in life is in sexual identity, it is impossible, right?!
I mean look at someone like Dutee Chand who is from Orissa, coming from a middle class family, from a place that is not like a big city like Bombay or Delhi, today her sexuality is celebrated and nobody gives a damn. Why- because she has made something. So, I don't mean that you have that performance pressure but as long as you focus on finding what else makes you happy, whatever be it, you will nurture that and be independent.
You have a sense of self-worth because you realize, “Oh My God I am capable of doing so much, doesn't matter if someone calls me fat, dark” whatever.
You do not think about woman, or trans, or gay, but that I am doing great, I am independent, and I can contribute to my society to support my self-worth.
S: I really like how you put it. Developing capabilities to get your self-worth irrespective of your sexuality or anything it might be. I think that little confidence, no matter what sense of privilege or the lack of it you come from, becomes your responsibility, especially as an adult.
Onir: Because today's youngsters, unlike the life that we grew up, have access through the internet one, counselling centres, health centres, we also have role models to look upto. Now there is much more access to what can make you happy and confident.
I think all of us have this tendency of, you know, nurturing self-pity.
The number of people who tell me "oh I want to become this but i come from a poor family". But why should that be a criteria for giving you work, because you are not convincing me about your passion for what you want to do!
I come from a family where when I was in college I used to go early in the morning for a door to door market survey, then go to university, then take tuitions. So what is the big deal, it's not the job of your parents that they have to give money for everything. After a certain age you should anyway earn it.
I think we also expect too much, in India especially
"accha mere liye ghar nahi banaya" arre! why do you expect your dad to make you a house
"arre mere shaadi me toh kuch kharcha hi nahi kiya"!
S: I think the biggest point is, to put it on parents or others, so that you don’t have to face your fears, that's easier. And I really like the point of self-worth.
It's not the onus of your parents or any limitation around you to define your success after a point.
