Not a big fat but a slim, flexible Indian Wedding: Indian Matchmaking, Arranged Marriages and Reality TV
In this article learn
Sima Taparia is unabashedly the Big Brother of the big fat hoo-ha that is Indian Weddings. The self-proclaimed ‘born matchmaker’ runs her marriage consultancy agency out of her apartment in Mumbai (with the help of a few trusty aides, an astrologer and a face reader among others). Armed with a meticulously cataloged (yes in its literal sense) binder of biodata belonging to her upper-class clientele (read: from height to horoscopes and everything in between), Sima or Sima Aunty, jet sets across the world to land the perfect match for her them.
Indian Matchmaking (IMM), an 8 part docu-series that premiered quite recently on Netflix revolves around the perils of Indian matchmaking through the lens of its protagonist Sima Taparia. Laced with not so subtle undertones of misogyny, sexism, colorism, and classism it soon became a social media brouhaha, with netizens, doing their best to out the cringefest of the show that it was. From its double standards and heavily problematic take on physical appearance and behavioral attributes, the docu-series truly almost managed to break the internet. As people flooded media platforms with diverse takes on the show, a significant proportion of people also narrated their own personal experiences with arranged marital alliances and how it impacted them.
While IMM may be dragged through the mud and ridiculed for a plethora of reasons, the sad, ugly truth masking it all, is that it is nothing but a mirror reflection of customs and societal traditions surrounding marriages, not just in India but over South Asia.
Sima Taparia is in fact a product of a system entrenched in staunch beliefs and traditions about familial structures and how marriage serves furtherance of the same. I must admit she does get one thing right though. In India ‘marriages take place between two families. The two families have their reputation and many millions of dollars at stake. So the parents guide their children, and that is the work of a matchmaker.’ (Roychowdhury, 2020)
So two questions that become quite interesting here, 1) how and why are arranged marriages so very integral to Indian culture? 2) what is it about such reality Tv shows/documentaries that enrapture and captivate us so very much?
A quick 101 on arranged marriages in India – I promise it will be kept slim (perhaps)
Mili Mitra at the Washington Post, puts it quite lucidly in her op-ed, about the show,
‘Arranged marriage is one of the ways Indian families self-isolate within their own social classes and groups, entrenching age-old divisions.
While there are laws prohibiting different forms of discrimination in India, matchmakers and matrimonial advertisements continue to draw on biases’. (Mitra, 2020)
The Hindu scriptures written during 200 B. C. to 900 A. D. mention eight modes of acquiring a wife known as Brahma, Daiva, Arsha, Prajapatya, Asura, Gandharva, Rakshasa, and Paisacha. Only the first four were accepted since they pertained to arranged marriages in which the parental couple ritually gives away the daughter to a suitable person. The Gandharva mode is nearest to what may be called "love" marriage.
Around 500 BC, with the emergence of classical orthodox Hinduism, the social ideas advanced by Manu gained prominence, and large sections of Indian society moved towards patriarchy and caste-based rules. Manu and others attacked the Gandharva and other similar systems, calling them immoral and promiscuous. Under the system they advocated for, women were placed permanently in male custodianship: first of their fathers in childhood, then of their husbands through married life, and finally of their sons in old age (Gupta, 1976). With kinship groups being viewed as a primary unit to which social loyalty was owed by individuals, marriage became an affair deeply impacting the entire family.
It is also speculated that parental control of marriage may have emerged during this period as a mechanism to prevent the intermixing of ethnic groups and castes. This was not exclusive to Indian society though, it was consistent with similar developments elsewhere, particularly in South East Asia and the South Pacific. The phenomenon of arranged marriages was seen in other religions such as Christianity and Islam as well.
Central to the process of arranged marriages is the presence of a matchmaker, called a ‘Nayan’. The Nayan is a scout and negotiator who seeks possible matches in the community based on aspects such as “family background, economic position, general character, family reputation, the value of the dowry, the effect of alliance on the property, and other family matters. (Flanigan, 2017)
With developments in modern society, the newspaper became a rich tool of social and cultural analysis that allowed matchmaking between families who had never heard of each other. The matrimonial ads in newspapers, which were perhaps the precursor to matrimonial sites and dating apps, reflected societal bias, mainly in terms of color, class, and caste.
Studies carried about by researchers in India have found evidence that strongly indicates in- caste preferences for marital alliances and also gives priority to certain physical features over and above others.
The collectivist nature of Indian society makes it an obligation for young men and women to honor the choices of their parents and elders of the family over and above their personal preferences (Janaki Santhiveeran, 2006) .
Romantic love as a concept is something that married couples need to seek within the marriage and not before it. Love is thus thought to be a disruptive element in upsetting the firmly established close ties in the family, leaving the family and kin group in disdain for personal goals.
So onto my second question, why do we as consumers of culture and media, love to immerse ourselves into these shows, given that all they do is reflect the unsavory aspects of a society that many are trying to change?
Two key Perspectives on Media Psychology
Uses and Gratification Paradigm
A study on media psychology by Reiss and Wiltz showed that people prefer television shows that stimulate the feelings they intrinsically value the most, which depends on individuality. (Wiltz & Reiss, 2004 )
The study was simple, say x individual derived joy from the feeling of pride, then reality shows that invoked a sense of pride within x would be consumed by x.
The findings of the study saw that status is the main motivational force that drives interest in reality television. The more status-oriented people are, the more likely they are to view reality television and report pleasure and enjoyment. People who are motivated by status have an above-average need to feel self-important. Reality television may gratify this psychological need by 1) making viewers feel that they are somehow more important than the ordinary people, depicted on screen and 2) the fact that reality tv focusses on ordinary experiences indicates that ordinary people watch these shows and fantasize about the celebrity status they could gain.
The findings of the study are explained by the uses and gratification psychological paradigm postulates that media is influential on a person only when the person derives some benefit or use out of the media and the message it brings out.
Voyeurism and Exhibitionism
Another theory that is often cited to explain our obsession with reality tv is that of voyeurism and exhibitionism. This voyeurism is seen in terms of an overt curiosity in the lives of others( it is not sexual in nature). However, studies show that people do not watch reality tv for purely voyeuristic reasons but mainly because it allows them to self reflect and be self-aware. It also lets them empathize with and relate to on-screen characters. (Nabi , Biely , Morgan , & Stitt, 2003)
Indian Matchmaking and other reality tv shows cater to the psychosocial preferences that we as consumers of media love to experience. The tumult of emotions the cast of IMM face as they navigate the dynamic of marital alliances is a lived reality for a lot of people. For many others, it offers them the opportunity to point out the regressive norms of marital alliances in society, while perhaps also deriving some pleasure from being on the other side.
In conclusion, if the stars really need to align then we need to reassess some norms
The process of arranged marriages or matchmaking is mentally debilitating and emotionally taxing for people within family structures that constantly nudge them towards finding a significant other (against their will in a lot of instances). The real problem with Indian matchmaking is that it is just Indian society staring itself in the mirror. The ridiculous, absurd, and shocking nature of the show isn’t Sima Taparia or her remarks, it is rather the fact that as a community we have seemingly not progressed from mores of behavior dictated to us decades of years ago, and even if we have progressed it seems to be largely lost on us.
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References
Duflo, E., Banerjee, A., Ghatak , M., & Lafortune, J. (2013). Marry for What? Caste and Mate Selection in Modern India. American Economic Journal: Microeconomics, 33-72.
Flanigan, S. (2017, October ). Arranged Marriages, Matchmakers, and Dowries in India. Retrieved from Scholar Blogs Emory : https://scholarblogs.emory.edu/postcolonialstudies/2014/06/20/arranged-marriages-matchmakers-and-dowries-in-india/#:~:text=The%20practice%20of%20arranged%20marriages,one%20is%20Hindu%20or%20Muslim.
Gupta, G. R. (1976). Love, Arranged Marriage, and the Indian Social Structure. Journal of Comparative Family Studies .
Janaki Santhiveeran. (2006). EXPLORING ARRANGED MARRIAGES IN MY FAMILY:NEGOTIATIONS OF CULTURE, FAMILY, GENDER, ANDLOVE IN THE ADVENTURES OF MARRIAGE. Reflections .
Mitra, M. (2020, July ). Netflix’s new hit ‘Indian Matchmaking’ misses the full story on arranged marriage. Retrieved from The Washington Post : https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/07/22/missed-opportunities-netflixs-new-hit-indian-matchmaking/
Nabi , R., Biely , E., Morgan , S., & Stitt, C. (2003). Reality-Based Television Programming and the Psycholoy of its Appeal . Media Psychology , 303-330 .
Roychowdhury, A. (2020, July). From Manusmriti to Indian Matchmaking, tracing the roots of arranged marriages. Retrieved from The New Indian Express: https://indianexpress.com/article/research/from-manusmriti-to-indian-matchmaking-tracing-the-roots-of-arranged-marriages-6521518/
Wiltz, J., & Reiss, S. (2004 ). Why People Watch Reality TV. Media Psychology , 363-378.
Lisa Jacob:
Lisa is a cheesecake enthusiast who looses hair ties by the day, enjoys long runs and hopes to one day finish reading all the many journal articles she has downloaded on her desktop.
